The Strange Journey Of Grief

Who do you know that experienced a great loss in death? What’s happening today for that person?

For you and I life moves on.

This morning the air was cool, the sun was shining, and it felt like one of those perfect days. But in my thoughts and what I was reading today, I kept drifting toward my friends who experienced loss. It’s a loss of someone they deeply loved.

The truth is, grief Isn’t a formula. It’s a Journey. It’s an empty chair. It’s their empty chair.

For them, the day may not be beautiful. But it may. The light may feel a little dimmer, but maybe not. The quiet can be loud, or is it? Life around them keeps moving.

They may notice that most people laugh, go to work, plan trips, mow lawns, post photos, and carry on. They may say: “But for me, I’m left behind. Or it feels that way at times. It kind of feels like everything is speeding up without me.” - but maybe not.

I keep saying “maybe not” because not every day and every moment is painful.

Grief is strange like that. It doesn’t follow a schedule. It’s hot, then cold, then numb, then not. It doesn’t ask permission. And while there are some common stages, I know not everyone walks through them the same way, or in the same order.

I think we grieve based on the depth that we loved.

So what are the typical phases of grief - based on the so-called experts, they say:

1. Shock and Denial – I don’t know if this is a good description for some, but maybe so. But one thing is for sure, It’s just hard to believe they are gone. It feels surreal. Like you’ll wake up and things will go back to normal. I would say a better words might be “new and just odd”.

2. Pain and Guilt – The weight can start to hit. You replay moments. You wonder, “Did I do enough? Say enough?” “Was I nice enough?” or “Maybe I should have …. “

3. Anger and Frustration – You can get mad at the world, at people who don’t get it, even at God. And sometimes, at the one who left. Maybe - maybe not. But some sort of oddity sets in and life just feels weird.

4. Depression and Reflection – This can be the quiet valley and maybe not even detected. The tears come slower but deeper, and maybe bigger. This is when it sinks in that they are really gone. The loss is truly felt. The more you are alone, the deeper the painful feeling.

5. Reconstruction – Little by little, you begin to find a new rhythm. You know you will see them again and somehow life never goes back to “normal”, but something new starts to take shape. This can be days, months or even years. It all depends on the next step of acceptance. It’s not an easy reconstruction.

6. Acceptance and Hope – You start remembering with more peace than pain. You start living again, but you never forget. You accept what God allowed. You begin to think different about the loss and unexpectency of it all.

I know that not everyone walks these steps like stairs. Some skip around. Others circle back. And some days? It’s all six at once. It’s actually quite crazy. It’s an experience like no other.

I know God says “There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4 NCV).

We don’t get to choose the timing, but we do get to choose how we show up for the ones still in the middle of it. I want to be in the middle of it for some reason. Somehow, I can feel some of the loss too.

So what do you do when someone you know is grieving?

I think just to be there. Visit. Maybe sit on the porch. Cry with them. Laugh about the old stories. Tell the truth. Say you miss them too. Let it be quiet. Let it be normal. Or maybe not be normal at all. There’s no set rules. Just love …

The death, the funeral, the after gathering and the few days or weeks after is over - but not for them. It may be just beginning.

Here’s a truth: “By helping each other with your troubles, you truly obey the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2 NCV).

Some people want space. Others want company. Some want help with the yard. Others just need a text that says, “I haven’t forgotten.” We are all different. But we all need one another. I hope I can be the one to show up and not forget.

And I know this. “We will all be there one day.” We’ll all stand in those shoes, wondering how the world keeps spinning when ours just stopped. The chair remains empty.

Here’s another truth I do believe: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and he saves those whose spirits have been crushed” (Psalms 34:18 NCV).

I don’t know exactly how to help carry the pain. But I do want to be one who helps the one who’s been left behind.

LORD, please heal the loss. Heal the heart. Help me to remember and help me to love, care and be there. IJNIP amen ♥️