Why Adults Don’t Listen To Wisdom

How well are you listening and learning? Which adult do you know that does not take correction very well? Who are they? Why don’t they listen and learn from wisdom?

Therapists and counselors make a living from people who simply don’t follow God’s commands.

SOME PAIN IS REAL

Now, that does not mean every emotional or relational struggle is because somebody disobeyed God. People really do get hurt. There are real heart wounds. Parents can wound children, spouses can betray each other, employers can mistreat people, and friends can abandon us. Some wounds run deep, and pretending they never happened is not wisdom. But here is the other side of that truth: being hurt does not remove our responsibility to grow.

OUTWARD SUCCESS BUT NO PEACE INSIDE

If you go the way of the world, it just doesn’t work. You might earn money, your business may succeed, and you may have a lot of muscles, but your heart, mind, and soul can still live in misery. Success on the outside does not mean there is peace on the inside. So what does the wise counsel of Solomon say?

“If you punish those who make fun of wisdom, a foolish person may gain some wisdom. But if you teach the wise, they will get knowledge.” — Proverbs 21:11 NCV

HOW PEOPLE RESPOND TO WISE COUNSEL

Solomon is showing us that people respond to correction differently. In the original Hebrew there is the lēṣ — the scoffer, the person who mocks wisdom and resists correction. There is the petî — the simple or immature person who may finally learn when they see consequences. Then there is the ḥākām — the wise person. The wise person can be taught, and that matters because wisdom is not knowing everything. Wisdom is being teachable.

THE BEST WAY TO LEARN

One of the best ways to become wise is to learn from other wise people who have already traveled the road you are on. You simply do not have enough life to learn everything by trial and error. If you insist on making every mistake yourself before you believe something is a mistake, you can waste years learning lessons somebody could have taught you in a few minutes. That is why we read Scripture, good books, and listen to older, wiser people who have already traveled some of the roads ahead of us.

A wise person says, “You have been there. What did you learn?” A foolish person says, “I’ll figure it out myself.” Sometimes figuring it out yourself is very expensive. It can cost you a marriage, money, a career, friendships, your health, your reputation, or years with your children. Sometimes you finally learn the lesson, but you look back and realize you lost ten years learning what wisdom was trying to tell you from the beginning.

THE BLAME GAME

Wendy and I hear this more and more: “You messed me up.”

Sometimes there is truth in that sentence. Parents absolutely make mistakes. Good parents make mistakes. Some parents make terrible mistakes, and a child can carry real pain into adulthood because of what happened in their home. That pain deserves to be acknowledged.

But 20, 30, and even 40 year-old adults can begin building an entire identity around who hurt them. It may be their parents, their employer, the person they are dating, their spouse, or their ex-spouse. Somebody in their past. Somebody always seems to be responsible for why life is not working.

TRUE WISDOM - WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

At some point wisdom asks a different question: What are you going to do with what happened to you?

There is a huge difference between saying, “My parents made mistakes that affected me, and I need to understand those wounds, forgive, heal, learn, and grow,” and saying, “My parents made mistakes, therefore I am not responsible for the person I have become.”

One leads toward healing. The other can keep you trapped. Your parents’ failures may help explain some of your struggles, but they do not have to control the rest of your life.

The same is true of everybody else who has hurt you. But eventually every adult has to answer, “What am I going to do now?” You may not be responsible for everything that happened to you, but you are responsible for what you do next.

HOW GOD PLAYS INTO WISDOM

And for a Christian, there is something deeper happening. God has not left us to simply follow our feelings. He has given us His Word, and He has given believers His Holy Spirit. Jesus called the Holy Spirit the Spirit of truth. The Spirit convicts, teaches, reminds, and leads us toward truth. But if I have already decided everybody else is the problem, I may become very resistant to what God is trying to show me about me.

Sometimes we are asking God to change everybody around us while the Holy Spirit is trying to change us. “Lord, change my spouse. Change my parents. Change my boss. Change my children.” And maybe God is saying, “Let Me show you something about your own heart.” That’s wisdom.

God’s commands are not there to make our lives miserable. They are guardrails because God knows how life works. Forgive. Tell the truth. Work hard. Control your anger. Stay sexually pure. Be faithful. Don’t get drunk. Don’t gossip. Don’t love money. Don’t live in bitterness. Honor your commitments. Choose wise friends. Be humble. Take correction. This things bring you a full life.

Proverbs says, “Correct the wise, and they will love you. Teach the wise, and they will become even wiser.” — Proverbs 9:8–9 NCV

HOW TO INTERPRET CORRECTION

The wise person appreciates correction, not because correction feels good, but because they understand something important: somebody else may see something I cannot see. That is one reason adults stop growing. Nobody can tell them anything anymore. They explain everything, defend everything, justify everything, blame somebody else, attack the messenger, and surround themselves with people who agree with them. Sometimes the most loving person in your life is the person willing to tell you something you do not want to hear.

So here is another question every one of us needs to ask: When someone tells me something difficult but true, what do I do with it? Do I mock it, immediately defend myself, get angry, or blame somebody else? Or can I stop long enough to say, “Maybe there is something here I need to learn.” That is a mark of wisdom.

Parents need humility here too. Proverbs 21:11 should never become a weapon. Parents and anyone that has done someone wrong, needs to be able to say, “I made mistakes. I hurt you. Tell me what belongs to me. I will own it. I’m sorry.” That is wisdom too. But once the wound has been acknowledged, every adult has to decide what happens next.

You can forgive, learn, seek wise counsel, read, listen, change, follow Christ, and allow the Holy Spirit to expose things in your own heart that need changing. Or you can spend the next twenty years explaining why somebody else made you who you are.

GOING FORWARD

Your childhood was largely handed to you. Your adulthood is increasingly entrusted to you, no matter the wrong done to you. You may not have chosen every wound, but you do choose what you do with those wounds.

So maybe the real questions coming out of Proverbs 21:11 are these: What are you going to do with what happened to you? When someone tells you something difficult but true, what do you do with it? Are you still teachable?

Because wise people are not people who never get hurt, whose parents never made mistakes, or who never make mistakes themselves. Wise people are people who still listen, still learn, still forgive, and still change - and take responsibility.

LORD, help me be responsible for me. Help me listen to wisdom. Help me forgive those who did me wrong and forgive the things I still struggle with because of what happened. Help me heal. Please heal me. Help me become whole, and help me understand why there are things I still cannot seem to overcome.

Show me what belongs to somebody else, but also show me what belongs to me. Help me not spend my life blaming others for my struggle. Give me the humility to hear difficult truth, the courage to change what needs changing, and the wisdom to learn from people who have already traveled the road ahead of me.

Help me listen to Your Word. Help me hear Your Holy Spirit. Help me forgive, grow, change, and move forward. Most of all, LORD, help me be responsible for me. IJNIP, amen. ♥️