What Happens To Men In Their 30’s?

Why are we fighting the same sin we fought 20 years ago?

MEN DURING MID-LIFE

What happens inside a man somewhere in his 30s when, from the outside, he may look like he has finally gotten his life together, but inside he is beginning to come apart? The photo is me at 37 with my Mom - I sure loved my Mom …

I see it more than I wish I did. Men around 35, 37, 40 who just seem to derail. Obviously, everyone sins. Ladies do too. But I have watched enough men in this season of life make some crazy decisions that I keep asking myself, What happens to us?

MY CRAZY STORY

I can tell you what happened to me. When I was 37, my dad died. I was running an HMO insurance company. My education had grown. My income was high. My wardrobe was tailored suits. From the outside, I probably looked pretty successful. But inside, my heart was full of lust, lies and deception. I was lying to my wife and living a deceptive life. In many ways, my heart had not matured much from the heart I had at 15. What’s up with that?

The Bible actually explains more of this than we may want to admit. “More than anything else, a person’s mind is evil and cannot be healed. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NCV) The deceives us.

VICTIM MENTALITY - BLAME OTHERS

And one of the ways we deceive ourselves is by blaming everybody else. They hurt me. They disappointed me. They did me wrong. My wife doesn’t understand me. My husband doesn’t love me the way I need. My parents messed me up. My boss doesn’t appreciate me. Some of those things may even be true, but they are still no excuse not to grow up.

At some point, I have to stop building my identity around what somebody else did to me and start asking what I am responsible for now. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse what happened. It simply releases me from using somebody else’s sin as permission for my own.

“Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:32 NCV)

Victim thinking can keep a person immature for years because it always gives you someone else to blame. I did that too.

THE TURNING POINT

Eventually my life went sideways. I divorced after saying most of my life that I would never divorce. And in that situation, I was the bad guy. Then something happened that I can only describe as a Holy Spirit moment. It was almost as though God grabbed me and caused me to look at myself and ask, “How are you? How in the world did you get this sideways?”

I have learned something about people since then. We usually don’t change until we become sufficiently disturbed by who we are, where we are going and what our decisions are producing.

And sometimes I watch men today and think, He simply isn’t sufficiently disturbed yet.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

That is painful when it is your husband, your son, your brother or somebody you love. You see the lies. You see the lust. You see the pride. You see the drinking, anger, selfishness or foolish decisions. And perhaps the hardest part is that he doesn’t seem to see any of it.

And ladies, this isn’t just a man problem. Women can search for completeness in another person, crave unconditional love from a human being, carry old wounds for years, fight insecurity, compare themselves constantly, become bitter, controlling, emotionally dependent or convinced that somebody else is responsible for their happiness.

Different expression, same heart problem.

Men and women both have this incredible ability to justify themselves. I did all my crazy sinning while claiming to be a follower of Christ. Somewhere along the way, I simply stopped following.

THE ONLY SOLUTION

But Jesus didn’t stop pursuing me. That is the Gospel. Jesus lived the life I was unwilling and unable to live. He lived perfectly before God, then willingly went to the cross for sinners just like me. He died for my sin, rose again, and because of His love, He didn’t just forgive me. Through the Holy Spirit, He began changing me.

Jesus said about the Holy Spirit, “When he comes, he will prove to the people of the world the truth about sin, about being right with God, and about judgment.” (John 16:8 NCV)

That is exactly what I needed. Conviction. Not somebody nagging me every day. Not somebody arguing me into righteousness. I needed God to show me me.

And here is the miracle. God doesn’t merely tell us to behave better. He changes something inside us.

“Also, I will teach you to respect me completely, and I will put a new way of thinking inside you. I will take out the stubborn hearts of stone from your bodies, and I will give you obedient hearts of flesh.” (Ezekiel 36:26 NCV)

CONCLUSION

Behavior really begins changing when the heart begins changing. So if there is a man or woman you love who is sideways right now, tell the truth when appropriate - and be nice. Don’t enable sin. Don’t protect them from every consequence.

But don’t believe that enough lectures are going to change their heart either.

Pray that God exposes what they cannot see. Pray that the Holy Spirit disturbs them. Pray that sin becomes uncomfortable. Pray that blame turns into responsibility. Pray that bitterness turns into forgiveness. Pray that God takes away that stubborn heart and gives them a desire to follow Christ again. God will do it.

And while you pray for them, I think there is another prayer you and I need to pray too. Lord, show me anything in my own heart that I cannot see.

Because I was once that 37 year old man. And if wasn’t for the grace of God, I could still be him.

LORD, help the men and women I’m talking about today. Please open their eyes. Disturb what needs disturbing. Convict them, rescue them and change their hearts. Help us stop blaming, start forgiving, take responsibility, and grow up spiritually. And do the same work in me wherever I need it. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen. ♥️