What Am I Really Expecting From The People I Claim To Love

Let’s be honest with ourselves today …

I’ve been writing, podcasting, doing blogs and YouTubes on parents and adult children in the past few weeks. Honestly, it’s been a thing I’m working through personally.

I’ve got part three of my YouTube video coming out in a couple of days on this topic. But today, I want to put a capstone on this topic in writing, all coming from my journal.

What am I really expecting from the people I claim to love, and why do I expect it? Let’s be really honest with ourselves.

The more I’ve thought about parents and adult children, the more I realize how easy it is to focus on what the other person is not doing, or is doing wrong.

Why don’t you call? Why don’t you check in? Why don’t you spend more time with me? Why don’t you seem to care about __________? Fill in the blank.

But maybe the better question for me is this: Why do I expect them to? Why am I putting the expectation “on them”?

That question goes a little deeper. Am I expecting my children to call me, check on me, encourage me, minister to me and somehow fill something emotionally in me?

Or am I thinking more about how I can minister to them? That changes things.

Parents can expect things from their adult children, and adult children can carry expectations of their parents. Pretty soon everybody is keeping score. Who called last? Who visited? Who apologized? Who reached out? Who should be doing more?

I don’t think relationships were designed to live very well on scorecards.

There is another side to this too. Sometimes parents can stay planted in the doorway of their adult children’s lives. We want to be involved. We want to help. We want to advise. We want to be needed. Sometimes that comes from love. But you have to ask yourself whether some of it can also come from an emotional need you are trying to get them to fill.

The Bible gives a pretty sobering description of our hearts: “The human heart is most deceitful of all things. It is desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NCV)

That means I have to be willing to examine my own motives. I can convince myself that something is love when part of it may actually be about me. That’s the self-deception Jeremiah was getting at.

And here is where forgiveness gets really practical. You know when you feel or think, “I don’t want them to come because I don’t like this or that about them,” that’s not forgiveness.

If you think, “I’m not calling them because they did this or that and offended me,” that’s not forgiveness.

If you feel negatively toward them because they have not apologized the way you think you are owed an apology, that’s not forgiveness either.

So what does God say about judging and forgiving?

Jesus said, “Do not judge others, or you will be judged. You will be judged in the same way that you judge others, and the amount you give to others will be given to you.” (Matthew 7:1–2 NCV)

James says it even more directly: “God is the only Lawmaker and Judge. He is the only One who can save and destroy. So it is not right for you to judge your neighbor.” (James 4:12 NCV)

So who’s worse, the one playing judge, or the one that offended? See what I mean? We are pretty darn selfish and self righteous sometimes.

Somebody hurts us and before long we can decide what they deserve, when they should apologize, how they should apologize, what they need to say and what they need to do before we will soften toward them.

Who are we to play God?

Jesus also said, “Yes, if you forgive others for their sins, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins.” (Matthew 6:14–15 NCV)

That does not mean what happened was okay. Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. It does not mean wisdom disappears. It does not mean there can never be healthy boundaries.

But forgiveness does mean I stop holding myself in the position of judge. I should release the debt to God. And that brings me right back to Jesus.

Jesus did not wait for me to get everything cleaned up before He loved me. He came for me while I was still a sinner. He lived the perfect life I was not willing or able to live. He took my sin to the cross, died in my place and rose again so I could be forgiven and have eternal life.

That is the gospel. Jesus said, “The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and to give his life to save many people.” (Mark 10:45 NCV) He loved first - and so should we.

So when I start thinking about what somebody owes me, I need to remember what God did for me while I owed Him. He showed mercy, love, grace, and forgiveness.

Maybe that is where some relationships begin to heal. Not when the other person finally gets everything right, but when I stop demanding payment.

Listen to me carefully - forgiving is “your” freedom. It’s your release. It’s you becoming whole - finally. Please trust me on this.

Maybe I call because I want to love, not because I am keeping track of whose turn it is. Maybe I invite them even if there are things about them I wish were different. Maybe I stop rehearsing the offense. Maybe I quit waiting for the perfect apology. Maybe I listen more. Maybe I apologize where I need to. Maybe I forgive because I have been forgiven.

Jesus said, “Love each other as I have loved you.” (John 15:12 NCV)

If both parents and adult children could simply forgive where forgiveness is needed, minister to one another, love one another and invest time with no payback expected, I think that would be a beautiful thing.

Serving, forgiving, loving and extending mercy and grace bring fulfillment, healing and contentment.

The closer I examine the way Jesus loves me, the more I see the gap in the way I sometimes love others.

Lord, help me love like You. Help me examine my motives. Help me stop keeping score. Help me forgive instead of judging. When I start thinking about what someone owes me, remind me of the cross. You are the Judge. I am not. Help me love, serve, forgive and extend the same mercy and grace You have extended to me. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen. ♥️

(My best relationship - my sweet wifey ♥️)