The Universal Solution For Mankind

What one thing can turn around any relationship?

Wait—pause for a second and come up with an answer before reading on.

Okay, here’s the answer: love. If there is one thing Wendy and I see over and over in counseling, “it’s the lack of understanding”, then actually doing, what love really is.

UNDERSTANDING WHAT LOVE REALLY MEANS

We say we love our spouse. We love our children. We love our parents. We love our friends. We love God. But sometimes I wonder if we have confused love with affection, attraction, agreement, chemistry, kindness when it is convenient, or simply getting along when everybody is doing what we want them to do.

Paul wrote something that almost sounds impossible when you really think about it: “I may speak in different languages of people or even angels. But if I do not have love, I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge, and I may have faith so great I can move mountains. But even with all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and I may even give my body as an offering to be burned. But I gain nothing if I do not have love.” (1 Corinthians 13:1–3 NCV)

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

Think about what Paul is saying. You can be gifted and still not love. You can know the Bible and still not love. You can have incredible faith and still not love. You can give money away and still not love. You can sacrifice for somebody and still not love them well. You can even be doing the technically “right” thing while doing it with the completely wrong heart.

Paul says without love, all the impressive stuff becomes noise. He doesn’t say it becomes less important. He says, “I am nothing” and “I gain nothing.” That is strong.

The Greek word Paul uses here is agapē. It is not simply an emotional feeling. It is a love that deliberately seeks the good of another person.

That means love is not mainly something you feel. Love is something you choose and do.

Feelings matter, but feelings come and go. Agapē asks, “What would be good for this person? What would honor God? What would love require of me right now?” That changes everything because suddenly love is possible even when the other person is irritating you, disappointing you, disagreeing with you, or not loving you very well in return.

DO IT RIGHT, BUT NOT ACTUALLY LOVE

Think about marriage. How many arguments would change if both people walked into the conversation asking, “How do I love you well right now?” instead of, “How do I prove that I’m right?”

You can win an argument and hurt your marriage. You can make your point and lose the person. You can know exactly what your spouse did wrong and communicate it in such a harsh, arrogant, or disrespectful way that the truth gets buried underneath your attitude.

Love does not mean you never tell the truth. Real love tells the truth. But love asks, “How can I tell the truth in a way that actually helps the person I’m talking to?”

The same thing happens with our children. Sometimes what we call parenting is really frustration. We say, “I’m only telling you this because I love you,” and maybe we do love them, but was the way we said it loving?

Were we trying to restore them, teach them, and help them grow—or were we angry, embarrassed, controlling, or trying to prove a point?

Love disciplines. Love corrects. Love establishes boundaries. But love never needs to humiliate somebody in order to make them better.

PRACTICAL WAYS TO THINK ABOUT LOVE

And here is another difficult one: you can give to someone and still not love them. You can pay their bills, rescue them, help them, sacrifice for them, and then keep a mental ledger of everything you have done. “After everything I have done for you…” Have you ever said that? I have.

But love doesn’t use generosity as leverage. If the gift becomes ammunition later, we need to examine what was happening in our hearts when we gave it.

Paul is basically saying, God cares about more than what you do. He cares about why and how you do it.

That means spiritual maturity is not merely knowing more Scripture, attending church more faithfully, giving more money, serving on more committees, or having stronger theological opinions. You can do every one of those things and still be miserable to live with.

A person can know theology and treat people terribly. They can be generous and controlling. They can be sacrificial and resentful. They can be right and cruel.

A NEW WAY OF THINKING ABOUT LOVE

So maybe there is a better question for us to start asking. Instead of only asking, “Was I right?” ask, “Was I loving?” Instead of, “Did I tell them the truth?” ask, “Did I tell them the truth for their good?” Instead of, “Look how much I’ve done for them,” ask, “Did I do it freely, or am I secretly keeping score?” Instead of, “Why don’t they appreciate me?” ask, “Would I still do what is right if nobody thanked me?”

And this is where relationships can actually begin to change. Imagine two spouses both pursuing love instead of demanding it. Imagine a parent loving an adult child enough to listen rather than immediately defend themselves. Imagine an adult child loving a parent enough to forgive while still speaking honestly. Imagine brothers and sisters deciding that restoring a relationship is more important than winning a ten-year-old argument. Imagine a church where people cared less about proving their position and more about loving the person sitting across from them.

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

Now, love does not mean tolerating abuse, enabling addiction, ignoring adultery, removing healthy boundaries, or pretending evil is okay. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is say no.

Sometimes love separates until repentance and safety are present. Sometimes love confronts. Sometimes love allows consequences. Biblical love is not weakness. Jesus loved perfectly, and Jesus still confronted sin, overturned tables, spoke hard truth, and walked away from people who refused to listen.

But underneath everything Jesus did was love. He died, while we were in sin. And He died so our sin would be forgiven. That’s love.

Maybe this is really the universal solution for humankind. Not sentimental love. Not “just be nice.” Not the cultural idea that love means approving everything somebody wants or who they want to be.

I mean biblical love—the deliberate decision to seek another person’s good before protecting your pride, winning your argument, feeding your anger, or getting your own way. Or looking generous and kind, when your heart says something else to you.

And the beautiful thing is that Paul doesn’t stop here. In the next few verses, he tells us exactly what this love looks like: patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful, not proud, not rude, not selfish, not easily angered, and not keeping a record of wrongs.

There’s your relationship test. We use this verse for weddings, but it’s actually a relationship guideline.

Am I patient? Am I kind? Am I keeping score? Am I always trying to get my way? Am I easily angered? Do I need everyone to acknowledge that I was right?

Maybe before we spend so much time asking why everybody else isn’t loving us better, we should ask God a much harder question:

LORD, am I loving them the way You told me to love them?

Because when real love enters a relationship, something changes—even if it begins with only one person. It takes two to fight, one to stop it - with love.

LORD, teach us what love really is. Help us not only say we love people but actually love them in the way we speak, listen, forgive, confront, give, serve, and respond. Help us stop keeping score. Help us care more about people than winning. Help us love like You love us. IJNIP amen ♥️

(Our niece living with us (Dorothy) while she gets her Masters at Vanderbilt - and our pedicure yesterday)