Layers That Lead To Heartbreak

WHEN IS LOVE REALLY LOVE?

How do you know the person you’re dating, or maybe living with, is really the one for you? How do you know when you’re actually in love? What does real love look like? And how do you ever get to the place where you can say, “I know that I know”?

I know someone very close to me who just had their heart broken really badly. They thought, This is the one. They trusted this person and invested their heart in the relationship. Then they discovered the other person had been unfaithful and secretly involved with someone else. That’s a devastating kind of hurt.

THERE ARE DECAYING LAYERS

I’ve been on the wrong side of this myself. At one time in my life, I was unfaithful. So I’m certainly not pointing my finger at anybody. I’m telling you from experience that these things usually don’t happen all at once. There are layers that get us there.

I’m going to mention three layers, but there can be fewer or many more. A thought you don’t shut down becomes a thought you entertain. That thought can become a feeling you enjoy. The feeling can become attention, then affection, secrecy, opportunity, and finally action. By the time somebody crosses the physical line, they may have already crossed a dozen smaller lines in their mind and heart.

LAYER ONE — IT USUALLY STARTS IN THE MIND

Most affairs don’t begin in a bedroom. They begin with a thought, even a selfish lust. Maybe you’re disappointed, bored, irritated, or feeling unappreciated. Then somebody else notices you. They listen. They compliment you. They make you feel attractive or important, and you begin wondering, What would it be like to be with somebody like that?

Many times we fall in love with the idea of what being with that person would be like.

That’s where the danger begins. Instead of turning toward the person we’ve committed ourselves to, serving, communicating, forgiving, being gracious, and going all chips in, we begin looking somewhere else.

Jesus said, “If a man looks at a woman and wants to sin sexually with her, in his mind he has already done that sin with the woman.” (Matthew 5:28 NCV)

James says desire grows and eventually “gives birth to sin.” (James 1:14–15 NCV)

The final act may happen in a bedroom, but the affair often began long before anybody took their clothes off.

LAYER TWO — ATTENTION BECOMES AFFECTION

Now you begin feeding the thought. You notice when that person texts. You look forward to seeing them. Maybe you share things that really belong inside your relationship. You start comparing them with the person you’re with, and because nothing physical has happened, you tell yourself, I’m not cheating.

As James said, the desire in you is now growing. But something is happening. Your attention is moving, your affection is moving, and eventually your loyalty can move too. That’s why Proverbs says, “Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life.” (Proverbs 4:23 NCV)

Don’t wait until you’re standing at the edge of adultery to protect your relationship. Protect it when the first seemingly innocent thought appears.

LAYER THREE — HAVE WE MADE SEX TOO CASUAL?

Before we even talk about what the Bible says about sex, let’s talk about psychology.

We’ve developed incredibly casual language: “We hooked up.” “No strings attached.” “We’re keeping it casual.” “We slept together.” “It was just sex.”

Just sex?

I wonder if we’ve softened the language so much that we’ve softened our understanding of what’s actually happening.

Sex involves our systems of pleasure, reward, memory, vulnerability, emotion, and attachment. Chemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin are involved, although sex doesn’t magically create some permanent chemical bond between two people. Human beings are more complicated than that. But our brains and emotions don’t necessarily recognize the casual categories our language creates.

You can call it “no strings attached,” but what happens when one person’s heart develops strings? One person may walk away thinking, That was fun, while the other wonders, Does this person love me? Are we becoming something?

There’s another danger. What are we teaching ourselves about sex? If sex repeatedly becomes connected primarily with novelty, attraction, excitement, and personal gratification, we’re practicing something very different from what marriage eventually asks of us: exclusivity, faithfulness, patience, sacrifice, and intimacy with one person through changing circumstances and changing feelings.

That doesn’t mean someone with a sexual past is ruined. Absolutely not. People change. Hearts change. There is forgiveness, healing, and a new way forward.

But maybe sex isn’t nearly as casual as we’ve made it sound. Guys love to move in and have sex without commitment. She loves it too, it may be one step closer to real commitment. But it’s not real.

NOW, WHAT DOES GOD SAY ABOUT SEX?

Long before we talked about dopamine, oxytocin, or psychology, Scripture was telling us something profound.

Paul writes, “The two will become one body.” He even says someone who joins sexually with a prostitute “becomes one body with the prostitute.” (1 Corinthians 6:16 NCV)

Think about that. There may be no romance, love, or commitment, yet Scripture still refuses to describe sex as meaningless.

Our modern language says, “We just hooked up.” Scripture says, “The two become one.” That’s why the break up is so painful and devastating.

Maybe God’s boundaries around sex aren’t there because God is against pleasure. God created pleasure. Maybe they’re there because God understands the emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual power of sex better than we do.

Sex isn’t dirty or bad. Sex is good. And maybe that’s exactly why it shouldn’t be treated like it’s nothing.

DON’T LET ATTACHMENT ANSWER THE QUESTION

Here’s something especially important if you’re dating: Have you determined this is the right person before becoming so attached that it’s difficult to see clearly?

You date, start having sex, spend most nights together, maybe move in, split expenses, get a dog, and become part of each other’s families. Then you discover serious differences in character, faith, marriage, children, or money.

Now leaving almost feels like divorce because you’ve built much of a married life without making the marriage covenant. It’s so backwards.

That’s why I believe God’s order, commitment first and sex within marriage, isn’t God withholding something wonderful. There’s wisdom and protection in the order.

WHAT DOES REAL LOVE LOOK LIKE?

Paul says, “Love is patient and kind… Love is not rude, is not selfish…” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5 NCV) Notice that biblical love is largely about what love does. It’s character …

Wendy and I are asked what makes a great marriage. My answer is pretty simple: serving. Compliment each other. Say thank you. Tell each other what you appreciate. Touch each other. Laugh. Forgive quickly. Pray together. And when you’re married, make love and protect that part of your marriage.

I’ve learned that when you consistently show love and do loving things, love grows. You don’t simply wait around hoping to feel more in love. You practice love, and very often, almost always, the feelings follow.

So whether you’re dating or married, guard your heart and guard your mind. Watch those early layers. Don’t feed the first thought that can eventually become the devastating final one.

Because when somebody’s heart gets broken, it really, really hurts.

LORD, help these folks hearing me really hear the truth. Give those who are dating wisdom and clarity. Help those who are married turn toward each other instead of away. Help us understand the incredible gift and power of sex without cheapening it or misusing it. Heal those whose hearts have already been broken, and for those of us who have failed, thank You for forgiveness, repentance, grace, and a new way forward. Teach us what real love looks like and help us live it. IJNIP ♥️

If you really want a great tool for dating and marriage, please consider my book. I’m not saying this to sell. I’m saying this to save and protect your heart. (Available on Amazon $10)