How To Repair A Strained Relationship

What would it actually take for you to walk across the bridge to someone you've been avoiding for years?

I've been writing about relationships for days now. Today I want to put a capstone on it. Because I think every one of us is carrying at least one relationship that's strained, maybe fractured, maybe just quietly cold.

YOU THINK IT’S SMALL - THEY THINK IT’S BIG

To you, the offense is a two out of ten. Old news. You said sorry. Maybe you said it three times. But to them, it's still a nine. This is the gold nugget: until you and I understand that gap, we will never repair what's broken between us.

So let's start here. Their pain is real to them, even when it doesn't make sense to you. You and I don't get a vote on how much something should hurt someone else. That's not humility, that's arrogance wearing the mask of logic.

It's always easier to spot the speck in someone else's eye than deal with the log in our own. Jesus said it plainly: “Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the big piece of wood in your own eye.” (Matthew 7:3 NCV). I don’t know why, but many of us have a courtroom running in our head where we're the judge, the jury, and somehow we always win or are the better person.

HERE’S MY MISTAKE

Here's my confession. My pattern for most of my life was act first, speak first, pray later. I'd send the text, make the call, say the thing, and then hours later realize I never asked God if I should've said anything at all.

Solomon wrote there is a time to be silent and a time to speak (Ecclesiastes 3:7 NCV). I usually get it backward. I speak when I should be quiet, defending myself, correcting the memory of events.

And I go silent when I should speak up, letting time pass and calling it healing. Time doesn't always heal a wound. Sometimes it just buries it deeper until it gets infected.

A GREAT EXERCISE TO HELP YOU

So here's a simple test I'm still learning. If you're about to speak to defend yourself, be quiet. If you're about to speak to own your part, that's probably the moment to speak. But before either one, pray first. Ask before you act, not after.

WHAT ABOUT RECONCILIATION

Now, reconciliation isn't one sided. Jesus said “do for other people what you want them to do for you.” (Matthew 7:12 NCV). What would you want? Fast forgiveness or to earn it back inch by inch? I think if we took that one sentence seriously, it would end most of the standoffs we call relationships.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE vs RESPECT & TRUST

Let's clear something up too. Love, respect, and trust are not the same thing as forgiveness, and they don't rebuild the same way. If someone wrecks your car three times, you might forgive them, but you're not handing over the keys again anytime soon. That's healthy.

Trust rebuilds slowly through consistency. But love is different. Love isn't earned, it's given. “God showed his great love for us by having Christ die for us while we were still sinners.” (Romans 5:8 NCV). He didn't wait for us to clean up first.

A PERSONAL THING I EXPERIENCED LATELY

I wrote a letter recently to someone I've been trying to rebuild a relationship with for a long time. I could have said, you know where I live, come find me, I'll be waiting. But that's not reconciliation. That's an open door nobody's walking through. Reconciliation isn't one person swimming the whole river while the other stands on the bank watching. It's two people choosing to cross the bridge “together”. Somebody has to contribute. Both people do.

LOVE SHOULD BE FREELY GIVEN

Here's the game changer for me, and why I believe love has to be free. Jesus said “the one who is forgiven only a little loves only a little” (Luke 7:47 NCV). I've been forgiven for so much. So I should love much, not because I'm a good man, but because I've been shown grace I never deserved. Once you've actually received that, you can't help but hand it back out to others.

I’m sure you know the line in the Lord's Prayer, “forgive us for our sins just as we have forgiven those who sinned against us.” God’s forgiveness over your and my life is tied directly to how you and I forgive others.

And here's the part I think we skip past too fast. You cannot manufacture real forgiveness on your own strength. You can grit your teeth, force the fake smile, say the right words, but the kind of forgiveness that actually heals instead of just performs only comes from one source.

“Be kind and loving to each other and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.” (Ephesians 4:32 NCV). Notice the order. Forgive because you were forgiven, not because you built up enough willpower.

WHERE YOU GET THE POWER TO DO THIS

I can't prove God to you on a whiteboard. But I can point to the evidence of a changed life, and I didn't change it. God did. Christ did. The Holy Spirit did. On my own, forgiveness is a New Year's resolution, strong for a week and then gone. But when the Holy Spirit lives in someone, he produces love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, and self control (Galatians 5:22 NCV).

Patience and kindness isn't a personality trait you're born with. It's grown in you by the Holy Spirit.

PRACTICAL ADVICE

So here's the practical part. Ask yourself two questions this week. What is my responsibility in rebuilding this, not theirs, mine. And have I actually asked the Holy Spirit to do what I cannot do on my own?

DRAW A NEW START LINE

You don't need the whole relationship fixed today. You just need one honest step. It's usually small, a text, a call, a visit you've talked yourself out of a hundred times. And you'll fail. You'll draw the line, cross it, fail again, and draw another one. “But God, who began the good work in you, will keep on working in you until it's complete.” (Philippians 1:6 NCV).

One day you'll look back at all those failed attempts and start lines, and realize you're still not where you want to be, but you are nowhere near where you used to be. That's not nothing. That's everything. That’s a new you.

If you've never surrendered your life to Christ, that's where this actually begins. Trying to earn payback or demand it will wear you out. But when you become a believer, God makes you a new person on the inside. You are a new person (2 Corinthians 5:17 NCV). New heart. New mind. New way of processing hurt.

If you aren’t sure how to accept Christ and receive the Holy Spirit seek help - ask me. It’s free and you will live free and reconciled.

GOD, thank you for pursuing us long before we ever pursued you. Thank you that your love was never something we had to earn. Forgive us for keeping score when you have already settled ours. Forgive us for hunting the speck in their eye while ignoring the log in ours. Help us pray before we speak and act before we react. Holy Spirit, do in us what we cannot do in our own strength. For everyone with a relationship they've given up on, breathe new life into it today. Show them that one small step, taken after Christ, can lead somewhere big. IJNIP amen ♥️