How Do You Forgive When You Can’t?

Who is sitting on your list of the unforgiven? Maybe it’s your spouse, a family member, a friend, or maybe it’s yourself.

Why do we wrestle so deeply with forgiveness?

Sometimes the wound is still fresh. Other times we tell ourselves the wrong was just too big. And often the hardest forgiveness isn’t toward others at all, but toward ourselves. Shame and regret can dig such a deep hole that climbing out feels impossible.

Unforgiveness is not only a thought problem, it’s a heart problem. It plays with your mind, steals your peace, and even hurts your health.

I know because I struggled for years to forgive my dad. When he left in divorce and favored his new family while abandoning ours, I carried anger I didn’t even fully understand. It left me unstable.

Christ said: “Forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who sinned against us” (Matthew 6:12 NCV).

He tied our forgiveness from God to the forgiveness we extend to others. He also said: “Yes, if you forgive others for their sins, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father in heaven will not forgive your sins” (Matthew 6:14-15 NCV).

Forgiveness is not optional in the Christian life. It is essential. And it heals the forgiver even more than the forgiven.

The Apostle Paul said: “Do not be angry with each other, but forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13 NCV).

We forgive, not because they deserve it, but because God forgave us when we didn’t deserve it. When we refuse to forgive, we put ourselves in the place of judge, as if our sin is smaller.

But Scripture says, “All have sinned and are not good enough for God’s glory” (Romans 3:23 NCV).

Jesus told the story of a servant forgiven a mountain of debt who turned around and choked a fellow servant over pocket change. The king said, “Should you have given mercy to your fellow servant, just as I gave mercy to you?” (Matthew 18:33 NCV).

And if you are the one struggling to forgive yourself, hear this: “Those who are in Christ Jesus are not judged guilty” (Romans 8:1 NCV). If God no longer condemns you, why should you condemn yourself?

I think most have heard “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison while hoping the other person gets sick.”

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget or excuse what happened. It means you stop carrying it.

With my dad, forgiveness began with simply “wanting” to forgive. I was tired of being mad. Tired of being hurt. I admitted it to God and begged Him to help me.

My dad had already passed away, so no apology ever came. But God took the anger and pain and gave me peace. He really did. I was free at last.

The truth is, the real question is not “Can you forgive?” but “Do you want to forgive?”

Many people don’t. They act like they want to, but deep down they don’t. If that’s you, time will wear you down. Like me, eventually you’ll grow tired of being chained to bitterness and anger. . And when that day comes, let go. Bury the hatchet. For your own good.

“The Lord forgave me, so I will forgive” (Colossians 3:13 NCV).

GOD, you love us when we don’t love you. You gave us Christ when we didn’t want Him. You forgive, when we are not worthy. Holy Spirit, help us do the same. If not for them - at least for ourselves. Free us - please. IJNIP amen ♥️