When Do You Say Something?

Who in your life needs some wise advice? Maybe even a reprimand? When should you say something?

Jesus said, “Why do you notice the speck of dust in your brother’s eye, but you don’t notice the log in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take that speck out of your eye,’ when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite! First take the log out of your own eye; then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:3-5 NCV).

Most of us know this passage, but I wonder if we sometimes misunderstand it. Jesus did not say, “Never help your brother with the speck.” He said, “First take the log out of your own eye; then you will see clearly.” The goal was not silence. The goal was humility, clarity, and most importantly, love.

I think this raises the very important question “When do you say something to someone you love?”

What do you do when you see a pattern developing in a child, even an adult child, or a friend, a spouse, a sibling, or someone close to you?

Maybe they are drifting from relationships. Maybe they are becoming isolated. Maybe they are investing all their energy into work, hobbies, projects, entertainment, or a small circle of friends while neglecting the people who love them most.

Maybe they only seem to reach out when they need something. Maybe they are good people who would stop and help a stranger on the side of the road, but they never seem to nurture the deeper relationships in their lives. Do you know someone like this?

Here’s a truth. Some people are firefighters. They run toward emergencies. They show up when something is burning, when there’ s a crisis, when somebody needs rescued, when something has to be fixed. And that’s not a bad thing, we need firefighters.

But you fire fighters, please hear me on this. Relationships are not built by firefighters alone. Relationships are built by gardeners. Gardeners water. Gardeners prune. Gardeners show up when there is no emergency. Gardeners understand that something living has to be tended over time, not just rescued when it is almost dead, or when it entertains you.

And that’s where many people and relationships struggle. They may know how to respond to a crisis, but they do not know how to cultivate a relationship.

They may help a stranger, give to a cause, show up for a friend in an emergency, or work hard when something needs to be done, but they don’t call, check in, listen, sit, give their time, ask questions, apologize, encourage, or simply stay connected. This is where real relationships are formed.

But here is the struggle. You see it, you worry about it, you wonder how it might affect their future marriage, their children, their friendships, and even their relationship with God. You can almost see where the road leads because you have lived long enough to know that relationships do not maintain themselves. They require intentional investment and time.

But then another thought enters your mind. Am I seeing this clearly? Am I hurt? Or am I just frustrated? Is this about them, or is it about me?

That’s where Jesus’ words become so important. Before we speak, we must first examine our own hearts. Sometimes the hurt is real. Maybe you have been overlooked, ignored, forgotten, or taken for granted. Maybe you have invested time, money, prayer, energy, and love into someone, and the relationship feels one-sided. That pain is real, and pretending it does not exist doesn’t help anyone.

But neither does allowing that pain to become bitterness. That’s the more important issue.

Paul wrote, “Do not become bitter or angry…” (Ephesians 4:31 NCV). Bitterness often begins with a legitimate hurt that remains unresolved.

So before we speak, I’m learning that we must ask ourselves some hard questions. Am I trying to help this person, or am I trying to make them feel guilty? Am I speaking out of love, or am I simply frustrated? Do I want restoration, or do I want some kind of validation?

Once we have done that work, there may still be a legitimate concern. Sometimes we really do see a blind spot in someone we love. The Bible is full of examples of wise people helping others see what they cannot see themselves.

“The wise listen to advice and become wiser” (Proverbs 9:9 NCV).

The challenge is that most people don’t change because someone points out a flaw. They usually change when the consequences of that flaw become painful enough that they are willing to listen.

That’s why wisdom is often less about correcting people and more about planting seeds and really trying to help - not criticize. Instead of delivering a lecture, we might offer an observation. Instead of condemning, we might share what we’ve learned. Instead of saying, “You are doing this wrong,” we might say, “Here is something life has taught me.”

Sometimes that seed takes root immediately. More often, it takes years. Sometimes - never.

As parents, grandparents, friends, and mentors, this can be incredibly difficult. We can see the train coming around the bend. We can see the dangers. We want to spare people we love from unnecessary pain. Yet we eventually discover that not every lesson can be taught. Some lessons must be learned.

Yes, learning from reading and from people are the best ways. But that does not work for everyone. And that’s is where faith enters the picture.

The father in the story of the prodigal son did not chase his son into the far country. He loved him. He prayed for him. He waited for him. And when the son was finally ready to come home, the father was standing there with open arms.

There is a lesson in that for all of us, especially me. Man, I just stand up and speak up too much, especially in my younger years.

Sometimes God calls us to speak. Sometimes He calls us to remain silent. Sometimes He calls us to plant a seed. Sometimes He calls us to simply love someone through the consequences of their choices.

The real question is not, “Do they have a speck in their eye?” The real question is, “Have I dealt with the log in mine?”

When we deal with our own logs, as Christ said, “we are finally able to see clearly.” We can speak without pride. We can correct without condemnation. We can love without controlling. We can offer wisdom without demanding that someone take it.

Maybe - the greatest wisdom of all is learning that there are two kinds of wisdom. There’s wisdom that changes people, and there is wisdom that helps us love people who don’t change - or at least they aren’t interested in changing right now.

The most powerful thing we can do is ask God to change them. He will follow through for you (and me) in the most perfect way.

Most of us spend our lives wanting to change others. However God is more interested in you and me changing, maturing and growing to look like His Son. I know, it sounds churchy, but it’s the better way.

GOD, for me and those who want to say something, please just give us your eyes, your heart and your discernment. Let us pause until the emotion passes, pray about it, then make our decision whether to speak or remain silent. IJNIP amen ♥️